A Twinkie-less Apocalypse

Twinkies are broken, just like our hearts.

I suppose now is the time to stock Twinkies and Ding-Dongs in case of apocalypse.  My plan was to build a fort out of these over-preserved desserts.  The foil from the Ding Dongs would protect me from radiation as well as protect my mind from the mind-control machines.  Both could be hardened and used as projectiles as needed.  The plastic wrappers would be lain out in the walkway to warn me of impending attacks.  And, in desperation, I could eat my shelter if needed.

Alas, the Apocalypse is much less sweet because today the impossible has happened.

Hostess has chosen to liquidate its business.

We can blame the union, the corporate leaders, the New York bans on large sodas, the war over school lunches, a First Lady who wants children to exercise and eat their vegetables, or a new French tax on Nutella.

Vegetables are friends, not food.

However, it will not change the harsh fact that American icons are disappearing.  With Twinkies and Ding-Dongs go WonderBread, Cupcakes, Sno-Balls, and Zingers.
The aisles of our nation’s grocery stores will now have a gaping hole where Hostess products once lay.  What other snack food can we turn to with a 70 year shelf life?

Will Little Debbie, Keebler, and Oreo survive the economy and the war on fatty foods?  What will rise in its place?  Not since the attempted conversion of Cookie Monster into a vegetable-loving monster have our snack foods been so oppressed.

What must we do?  Make our own?

Thus begins a black-market of Hostess products.  Will they be hoarded and auctioned on E-bay?  Has a whole new industry begun in place of this fallen food corporation?

If you’ll excuse me, I must re-draw my plans in case of an apocalypse.

And try to remember the last time I bought a Hostess product.

Which Hostess product will you miss most?  What were your apocalypse plans for Twinkies?  Will you be stockpiling Hostess products?  How will you replace Twinkies and Ding Dongs in your diet?

Lost my business. Ain’t got no job. All I really own are my boots. It’s the Twinkie Cowboy Blues.

NOTE: I’m planning on posting at least once a week.  This event, however, was to important to postpone discussing.

SIDE NOTE: I do sympathize with the 18,500 people out of jobs, and hope they will quickly be able to find work.

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9 thoughts on “A Twinkie-less Apocalypse

  1. I’m not sure I’ve eaten more than one or two Twinkies in my life. I will, however, mourn the loss of those chocolate squiggly-frosting cupcakes, iconic junk food of my childhood.

    A moment of silence, please.

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